Why I'm in a Skimpy Bikini Today

I'm sitting at my computer right now, in a skimpy, wet bikini with towels protecting the chair and floor. Why? Why am I not out back in our pool, having a good time with the rest of my family and friends?

Well, I will be back out there in a few minutes and in about an hour or so we'll be eating barbequed steak, hamburgers, sipping on cold pop and munching on assorted vegetables, chips and other delights.

But I just wanted to take a few minutes today as the clock nears 3 pm - not this past Friday, Saturday or Sunday - but today, to remind myself and everyone else why I have that freedom to wear what I want, eat what I want, live where I want, worship where I want, work where I want.

My friend Becky reminded me earlier of a speech former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee gave back in 2007. Maybe some of you have heard this part of it, but it bears repeating every now and then, especially on days like today:

I have a friend who’s a schoolteacher at the Robinson High School in Little Rock, Arkansas. Her name is Martha Cothren. She’s a social studies teacher and a coach on the side.

Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren did something that I’ll never forget.

Martha, on the first day of school, with permission of the school superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, took all of the desks out of the classroom.

The kids came into first period, they walked in, there were no desks. They obviously looked around and said, ''Ms. Cothren, where’s our desk?''

And she said, ''You can’t have a desk until you tell me how you earn them.''

They thought, ''Well, maybe it’s our grades.''

''No,'' she said.

''Maybe it’s our behavior.''

And told them, ''No, it’s not even your behavior.''

And so they came and went in the first period, still no desks in the classroom. Second period same thing. Third period.

By early afternoon television news crews had gathered in Ms. Cothren’s class to find out about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of the classroom.

The last period of the day, Martha Cothren gathered her class. They were at this time sitting on the floor around the sides of the room. And she says, ''Throughout the day no one has really understood how you earn the desks that sit in this classroom ordinarily.'' She said, ''Now I’m going to tell you.''

Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it, and as she did 27 U.S. veterans, wearing their uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk.

And they placed those school desks in rows, and then they stood along the wall. And by the time they had finished placing those desks, those kids for the first time I think perhaps in their lives understood how they earned those desks.

Martha said, ''You don’t have to earn those desks. These guys did it for you. They put them out there for you, but it’s up to you to sit here responsibly to learn, to be good students and good citizens, because they paid a price for you to have that desk, and don’t ever forget it.''

My friends, I think sometimes we forget that the freedoms that we have are freedoms not because of celebrities. The freedoms are because of ordinary people who did extraordinary things, who loved this country more than life itself, and who not only earned a school desk for a kid at the Robinson High School in Little Rock, but who earned a seat for you and me to enjoy this great land we call home, this wonderful nation that we better love enough to protect and preserve with the kind of conservative, solid values and principles that made us a great nation.

Today we honor those that never came back home, that died on battlefields in Gettysburg, on the USS Maine in Havana harbor, in Las Marías, on fields in France and Belgium, on Battleship Row in Pearl Harbor, in the jungles of the Philippines, on beaches in Normandy and Iwo Jima, in the cold waters of the North Atlantic, in the skies over Korea and Vietnam, while sleeping in barracks in Beriut, in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan, all over the world, for a cause greater than themselves: for our freedom and those of others.

Let's never forget them.

Osama bin Laden and Girls Gone Wild

Just like many holier-than-thou U.S. politicians and commentators who preach 'family values' in public while practicing quite differently in private, Osama bin Laden has been caught with his proverbial pants down.

The U.S. Navy Seal Team that killed the world's most infamous terrorist found a huge stash of porn at his Pakistani hideout (no word yet on whether any of it is of the kiddie-variety).

The porn seizure shows what a fucking hypocrite bin Laden was.

In a 2002 ''letter to the American people,'' bin Laden denounced American culture and took exception to how women dress, saying we are being exploited.

''Your nation exploits women like consumer products or advertising tools, calling upon customers to purchase them,'' he wrote. ''You plaster your naked daughters across billboards in order to sell a product without any shame. You have brainwashed your daughters into believing they are liberated by wearing revealing clothes, yet in reality all they have liberated is your sexual desire.''

Yet al Qaeda didn't hesitate to use videos of the decapitation and ruthless murder of journalist Daniel Pearl as an advertising and recruiting tool.

But while he was taking exception publicly to what clothes I sometimes like to wear, privately apparently not even three wives were enough to satisfy HIS sexual desire.

According to the Daily Mail, the U.S. team seized dozens of X-rated and other pornographic videos from Bin Laden's compound in the short time they were able to grab some stuff before escaping from Pakistan into the night with the dead terrorist's body. New releases were even brought to him by courier and apparently were done so without the knowledge of his wives or his 12-year old daughter.

Pornographic videos, naked cheerleaders, lesbians making out. Perhaps the entire collection of Girls Gone Wild tapes?

Apparently bin Laden wasn't so certain in his belief that 72 virgins were awaiting him after all? But even if he does find them, hopefully each one of them will be armed with a very sharp knife and will cut off his manhood, repeating it day after day, for all eternity.

Dirty Hose: Cellar-Dwelling with Worst Record in Baseball

Memo to Kenny Williams, The Mouth and the rest of that rag-tag bunch of Dirty Hose that some people insist on calling the Chicago White Sox, the team with the Worst Record in Baseball (lol... lol... lol...).

Enjoy the cellar, fellas! And while you're down there, get a broom and sweep up the joint. No rush, though. Take your time and enjoy the spring and summer. You'll be down there a while.